A LETTER TO MY FATHER...
There is nothing quite like seeing someone you love, in a crowd of strangers, rushing towards you.
I will never forget the sight of my father– 6 feet tall, shouting my name as if I we hadn’t just spoken on the cell phone agreeing to meet at this particular place at the airport, waving frantically at me. When we embraced we both cried. I don’t like crying in public but I remember thinking, “I don’t give a shit– I miss my Dad! “ I was 23 at the time and had moved from home for the first time 6 months prior. I was the baby of four. I wasn’t scared, well maybe I was a bit, but I knew I wasn’t ready to leave my parents yet.
My Dad has been gone for almost 2 years now. Just saying that opens the wound…that will never fully heal. I can remember my sister telling me the news and me falling to the ground…a sound forced from my insides that I had never heard before…the sound of my heart breaking. My husband cradled me in his arms saying he loved me….and all I could think of was that he would never be able to love me as much as my father had. That no one ever would. And the cries turned into wails.
The few days after all went by in a blur. I wasn’t eating so I constantly felt faint. I do remember sitting in the leaves with my neice…in the front yard of the only house I have ever lived. I sprinkled red and orange leaves over her head–– and she yelped with glee, and threw her hands in the air to catch them. And I remember calling her “princess” and knowing one day she’ d feel the type of pain I felt….and willing that day too be very, very far off. And for a second I wondered if it was all worth it…bringing children into this world. Knowing they would go through what I was feeling…it seemed so cruel. Then I saw him….in that yard….chasing after me, and tickling me beneath the same oaks I now sat. I could almost taste that feeling he gave me of being invincible, of being the best, of being so very loved. Everything that I would now have to live without. And I knew it was…and I felt ashamed for the second of doubt. I lifted an acorn up from the ground….and I realized I hadn’t looked at an acorn in a very long time, and it was intricate; so very beautiful. In that perfect moment in that yard on Timberleigh I felt heaven. And I knew my Dad was there willing me on. I was given a gift by this man– this incredible man. He would whisper in my ear that I could do anything, be anything in this world. He could tear me down in a second with one glance, but he would build me back up even faster. Each day I go out into the world, hoping to make my father proud– and be that girl he raised me to be–– and knowing I was so lucky to have been loved so very much. And I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat, and I’m damn sure so would he.